Let Go...Seriously.

I have started the intro to today's blog three times. Nothing sounds right. When I was in high school, I dreamed of being a Rolling Stones music journalist and was taught that if you didn't mesmerize the reader within the first paragraph, the story would be toast.

Well, I for one like toast and this is certainly not the Rolling Stone so bear with me, reader. Today I've got a plethora of emotions that are bubbling over and I've GOT to do something about it. I've always found clarity when my emotions are on high by doing two things: talking with God and journaling (...and now blogging!)

Today, there is something very heavy on my heart that I feel the Lord is asking me to submit to Him. Oh, how badly I do not want to let it go...but I know... I know that if I don't, I could miss out on the Great Master Plan that he has laid out for me. Remember the surprise party? Yeah, like that.

Before I go straight there, let me back up a little bit.

I come from a big family. As you've probably read in my previous blogs, I am the eldest of seven kids total. I've held and helped care for each of my siblings from the time they were born. Maybe it was that atmosphere I grew up in being surrounded by little ones; maybe it's the twinge at my heart being near something so perfect, so innocent, someone so mystified by the very things in life that we as adults take for granted. Whatever it is, I love babies. I love children. So I guess it's no surprise that I really, really, really would love kids of my own.

When I met and started dating my husband in 2006, he was just over a year into a clean bill of health after fighting a very hard battle against cancer. (Praise Jesus he has remained in remission and is healthier than ever!) During that battle, the chemo he was given severely reduced any chance of having children (we're talking...less than 1%). Luckily, his mother had his swimmers frozen at the hospital before the treatments began and there they have remained.

I knew this going into the relationship and never once did I bat an eye at it. We agreed that when we were at a right place in our lives, we'd do IVF to conceive children and all would be well and good from there.

So, fast forward a few years. In comes baby fever.

About two years ago one Sunday morning at Full Faith, where we attend, my desire to be a mother was very heavy on my heart. Each Sunday before service, we all get together in one big circle and share praise reports or prayer requests. (It's a very intimate part of the morning and I absolutely love it!) That morning, a couple caught my eye. They had moved away less than a year before and were back in town visiting. I noticed that the girl had finally had her baby that she was pregnant with before they moved. They had the newborn sweetly bundled up in her car seat. As my eyes traveled up from the floor, I noticed the girl once more had a very large, very round, very pregnant belly.

"OH COME ON!"  I yelled inside to God. "Seriously, all I want is ONE. OOOONNNNEEE. These kids are popping them out like rabbits!"

Folks, you've got to understand...ladies, I'm sure you especially do if you've ever been in that same place as I was then. It wasn't that I wasn't happy for them, of course I was. Pregnancy should be a celebration! But I was sooo. verrrryyy. tiiiirrrred of seeing everyone else with children. Everyone but me. It was like it was being thrown in my face everywhere I turned and now at church?!?!?

So, service carried on. Of course, all the worship songs related to my emotions one way or another so I pretty much balled my eyes out (don't worry, we're all ball-bags there). The heaviness in my heart remained despite the open floodgates.

Towards the end of the service, one of the elders stood up, saying he felt the Holy Spirit pressing him to give a message to a few people. We were sitting in the second row from the front. He was standing right in front of me. After looking at everyone in the congregation, his eyes lowered to me. His finger raised, pointed, and motioned for me to come up. My heart was now in my throat.

Jim, that was his name, put his hands on my shoulders so I was looking at him square in the eyes. "What God has placed in your heart, he will make it so."

You want to talk about eyes the size of saucers...I'm pretty sure mine looked like that in that moment. God obviously heard my temper tantrum and leveled me out with that simple message. Jim went on to say a few other things as well as pray for me. I honestly can't remember anything else he said except for that one bit. I guess I was pretty overwhelmed with it all.

Since then, several other confirmations would pop up out of nowhere. Little glimpses of the future my husband and I had in store that involved children. Little hints from God that he's got us. That when it's time, it'll happen. I'd love to list them all out for you but they are many and I think the task itself would take much more time than I have. Just trust me on it.

One Sunday, Colin set up a counseling session with our pastor to talk about our desire to have children (yeah, total aww moment there. I did not expect that out of him!). Our pastor really encouraged us saying that we serve a SUPERNATURAL God, a MIRACULOUS God; that us having children can and will happen. He gave us so many instances of people he knew in our situation that now have children of their own. We read scripture about God's promises and talked about the women in the Bible dealing with infertility and how God blessed them with children, despite their impossible situations. I've read those areas in the Bible time after time after time since then.

At our pastor's advisement, we chose names for a boy and girl so we could call them out specifically in prayer. Their names are hanging up in a corner of our room along with a few baby items. I even write to our babies in a little book. Not every day, but when the longing is at it's highest, it seems to help. You know how people make dream boards of everything they want or wish to accomplish in the future? The thought process is if you see it every day, it'll eventually happen or something to that effect. It's kinda the same thing here...only it's not the names on the wall with pretty background scenes and my little notes that I put my faith in (that is solely reserved for God)...but it does give me hope every time I see them and reminds me that What God has put on my heart, He will make it so.

I laid at the Cross just a few weeks ago my constant questioning and whys and how soons and occasional anger or doubt towards God. I said I was going to trust him wholly and completely. God knew though that there was something I was holding back. This one thing that I still have clasped tightly in my hands. My back up plan. My Plan B. My "If I don't get my way soon..."

I do my Bible study before getting ready in the mornings and then during my morning commute to work, I talk to God. Literally, I talk out loud about anything and everything. I'm sure people that drive past me think I'm crazy but I really don't care. That's our time. A couple weeks ago, during our talk, that still small voice said "let go".

 Let go? Let go of what?

You know what. Your back up plan. Let it go.

I quickly changed the subject...started praying for the first person that came to my mind. They needed my prayer MUCH more than I needed to have that conversation. (Funny what we tell ourselves to avoid stuff sometimes. Who are we kidding?)

Again, a few days later, Let it go. Same response.

I suppose I can be quite stubborn. However, God is more stubborn than I am, I think. So last night he brought it up another way - a way that he knew would be so obvious that I couldn't pretend I didn't hear him.

With the pending move back home, my husband and I started talking finances last night. Oh, that's always a fun conversation :p. During our talking and planning and devising, Colin said, "Babe, I know you don't want to do this but I think we need to let the sperm bank thing go. It's just costing us too much money for what it is."

This time I knew. I knew that the previous times in the car God was asking me to let go of the only thing that I have left to control the situation. I had not once mentioned those moments to Colin, but I didn't have to. God already covered that one for me. Here was my bright flashing neon sign that read "Let go...seriously...just let go!"

So many questions. So many worries. I would do anything for my future children. Am I really going to let x amount of dollars get in my way of achieving motherhood? But then...do I really think I have a better plan than God for my life? Am I really going to be blatantly disobedient to him? If I'd really do anything for these babies...that would include letting go. Can I do that?

Colin reassured me it would be okay. "If God wants us to have children, he'll make it happen. If not biologically, we can adopt. I'd rather spend my money supporting a child we adopted than giving this sperm bank another cent for some future treatment that may not work."

He's right. He's so right. I'm totally open to adopting...but that wasn't MY plan. (See, I told you I could be stubborn.)

It should be such an easy thing to let this go. I mean, my post from last week was just talking about being a Yes Woman...and here I stand with my arms across my chest and my pouted mouth and watery eyes defiantly saying, "NO!" Really?

Like many daughters, I picked up the phone and called my mom. She said what I already knew she'd say, "Let it go, give it to God. You are telling him you don't trust him by not surrendering this to him. Ultimately, it's your choice. But you know which one God wants you to choose."

"But it's my only chance!" I cried out.

Ooohhh...those words burned the minute they came out. I KNOW BETTER.
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It's time to let go. It's time to let God. I don't want to put a cap on his plans for my life. I don't want to limit our future by simply what I alone can come up with (which isn't much). What God has placed in my heart, he will make it so. What God has placed in my heart, he will make it so. What God has placed in my heart, he will make it so.

How many more times does he need to reassure me that HE'S GOT ME? I guess that's the beauty of His Word...as many times as I need.

I came across Psalm 113:9 last night. It's the first I've read this psalm...I guess it was being saved for that very moment last night. I'll put the whole thing because it truly is beautiful.

¹ Praise the Lord.^[a]

Praise the Lord, you his servants;
    praise the name of the Lord.
² Let the name of the Lord be praised,
    both now and forevermore.
³ From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets,
    the name of the Lord is to be praised.

⁴ The Lord is exalted over all the nations,
    his glory above the heavens.
⁵ Who is like the Lord our God,
    the One who sits enthroned on high,
⁶ who stoops down to look
    on the heavens and the earth?

⁷ He raises the poor from the dust
    and lifts the needy from the ash heap;
⁸ he seats them with princes,
    with the princes of his people.
⁹ He settles the childless woman in her home
    as a happy mother of children.

Praise the Lord.

We're one day closer. Thank you, Father.

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