I've had somewhat of a journaling block for the past few weeks. I'd start, write a few paragraphs then mentally wad those words up and throw them in the waste-bin, just like the frustrated novelist would tear his crisp sheet of paper from the typewriter and hurriedly shove the feeder back to its original position, thus causing the deafening *ding* to cry out.
(melodramatic, much?)
New Years Day is coming up soon, next Tuesday. With that, a resolution will surely be made. But what? Oh no, it's not that I am clueless as to what to choose for my 2013 resolution...it's which one.
1.work out more and lose xx pounds
2.organize (i.e. overcome pack rat syndrome)
3.read one book a month
4.journal more consistantly
5.spend more time with family
6.pay more attention to my cuticles
7.finish every craft I start
8.find a job I enjoy
9.shut up when hungry
10.save more money
11.learn to can food
12.learn how to play that dang bar chord on the guitar
13.make more art
14.buy less, make more
You see, just the thought of everything that I could choose is overwhelming...because honestly, they all need to be addressed. The desire is there...but the drive, meh, not so much.
I guess what it all comes down to is which resolution is going to make a better JENNIFER for 2013. Well, my cuticles are (and have been) in desperate need of attention. However, I don't think they'll make a difference one way or the other. Maybe I'll just scratch that one off.
Ah! There is one resolution that comes to mind that I failed to add to my 2013 list. Actually, I'm a bit ashamed this isn't at the top from the get go, it certainly should be.
15.John 3:30 -- He must become greater; I must become less.
I think I'm on to something here. Bear with me, reader.
I read this verse this morning. It stood out to me. Actually, it more like jumped up and smacked me in the face. I'll be honest here...I've not been as consistent in my daily morning time with Jesus for the past couple weeks as I normally am. I could give you every excuse in the book to try and make myself feel better about it but truth be told, the desire just wasn't there. See, I allowed the stress of a pending move, the question of if I'll remain in the same career path I'm in or free-fall it someplace else, the worry of my health and the doubt that I can juggle everything in a cool and collected manner of a 50's housewife completely overwhelm me. So much so that the very things that have my heart and life peace began to get smaller and smaller.
THAT'S why I haven't blogged. There's no inspiration when in darkness.
But today, TODAY, my friend, I got the very thing I needed...funny how that happened the same morning I decided to crawl out of bed early enough to have that quiet one-on-one time with my Heavenly Father.
He must become greater; I must become less.
This was said by John the Baptist when others came to him, trying to stir up conflict over Jesus baptizing more people than he was. John displayed ultimate humility and trust in believing (and acting on) the fact that in order for God's will to be done, he (John) would have to let go of the reigns, become less and allow God to become more.
Boy, can that be applied to my life. There is no maybe about it. If I fight for control in my life, the light in it is going to continue to diminish, leaving me tired, worn out, exhausted, pooped (I think you get the point.) I KNEW this beforehand so WHY go back to my old ways of trying to put me, myself and all my garbage as a priority instead of God? The best answer I can come up with is I'm still growing. I still have a ways to go...but at least I'm recognizing it two weeks into the issue as opposed to months/years! (Thank you, God.)
So I think for this year, my resolution will be something that will tie everything together...that will allow me to be everything I can possibly be that can affect this world and others in a positive manner - simply John 3:30.
If I become less, if I allow my problems, my stress, my worries, my everything become less so that God can do MORE and be MORE in my life, then God's will can carry itself out without having to deal with me kicking and screaming along the way. Then maybe I won't have to walk around that same mountain over and over and over and over. Maybe an eleven day trip won't turn into a forty year journey...
One last thought before I close...I'm amazed that simply spending those thirty minutes this morning has, in a sense, pulled the plug on my writers block. I'm beginning to think it was put there deliberately until I could wise up. I love my stubbornly clever Lord & Savior. I get it, now.
Thanks for not ever giving up on me, God :)
<3
Friday, December 28, 2012
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Six minutes left of the 24th hour...
When I was a kid, I'd write myself a letter on the eve of my birthday, recapping my year and the lessons learned. I haven't been as consistent in my adult years like i used to be...so, a quick note as we enter the midnight hour:
1. Love is about making the other person happy, not what they can do to make you happy.
2. I am more than a conqueror in Christ. My problems and emotions do not have to rule my life.
3. Let go of the past...all of it. Stay focused on the here and now with your eyes open to the wonder of the future.
4. Dreaming is best done in pairs.
5. I am more loved than I could ever imagine. Every day is a blessing just waiting to unfold before me.
Hello, 25...
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Let Go...Seriously.
I have started the intro to today's blog three times. Nothing sounds right. When I was in high school, I dreamed of being a Rolling Stones music journalist and was taught that if you didn't mesmerize the reader within the first paragraph, the story would be toast.
Well, I for one like toast and this is certainly not the Rolling Stone so bear with me, reader. Today I've got a plethora of emotions that are bubbling over and I've GOT to do something about it. I've always found clarity when my emotions are on high by doing two things: talking with God and journaling (...and now blogging!)
Today, there is something very heavy on my heart that I feel the Lord is asking me to submit to Him. Oh, how badly I do not want to let it go...but I know... I know that if I don't, I could miss out on the Great Master Plan that he has laid out for me. Remember the surprise party? Yeah, like that.
Before I go straight there, let me back up a little bit.
I come from a big family. As you've probably read in my previous blogs, I am the eldest of seven kids total. I've held and helped care for each of my siblings from the time they were born. Maybe it was that atmosphere I grew up in being surrounded by little ones; maybe it's the twinge at my heart being near something so perfect, so innocent, someone so mystified by the very things in life that we as adults take for granted. Whatever it is, I love babies. I love children. So I guess it's no surprise that I really, really, really would love kids of my own.
When I met and started dating my husband in 2006, he was just over a year into a clean bill of health after fighting a very hard battle against cancer. (Praise Jesus he has remained in remission and is healthier than ever!) During that battle, the chemo he was given severely reduced any chance of having children (we're talking...less than 1%). Luckily, his mother had his swimmers frozen at the hospital before the treatments began and there they have remained.
I knew this going into the relationship and never once did I bat an eye at it. We agreed that when we were at a right place in our lives, we'd do IVF to conceive children and all would be well and good from there.
So, fast forward a few years. In comes baby fever.
About two years ago one Sunday morning at Full Faith, where we attend, my desire to be a mother was very heavy on my heart. Each Sunday before service, we all get together in one big circle and share praise reports or prayer requests. (It's a very intimate part of the morning and I absolutely love it!) That morning, a couple caught my eye. They had moved away less than a year before and were back in town visiting. I noticed that the girl had finally had her baby that she was pregnant with before they moved. They had the newborn sweetly bundled up in her car seat. As my eyes traveled up from the floor, I noticed the girl once more had a very large, very round, very pregnant belly.
"OH COME ON!" I yelled inside to God. "Seriously, all I want is ONE. OOOONNNNEEE. These kids are popping them out like rabbits!"
Folks, you've got to understand...ladies, I'm sure you especially do if you've ever been in that same place as I was then. It wasn't that I wasn't happy for them, of course I was. Pregnancy should be a celebration! But I was sooo. verrrryyy. tiiiirrrred of seeing everyone else with children. Everyone but me. It was like it was being thrown in my face everywhere I turned and now at church?!?!?
So, service carried on. Of course, all the worship songs related to my emotions one way or another so I pretty much balled my eyes out (don't worry, we're all ball-bags there). The heaviness in my heart remained despite the open floodgates.
Towards the end of the service, one of the elders stood up, saying he felt the Holy Spirit pressing him to give a message to a few people. We were sitting in the second row from the front. He was standing right in front of me. After looking at everyone in the congregation, his eyes lowered to me. His finger raised, pointed, and motioned for me to come up. My heart was now in my throat.
Jim, that was his name, put his hands on my shoulders so I was looking at him square in the eyes. "What God has placed in your heart, he will make it so."
You want to talk about eyes the size of saucers...I'm pretty sure mine looked like that in that moment. God obviously heard my temper tantrum and leveled me out with that simple message. Jim went on to say a few other things as well as pray for me. I honestly can't remember anything else he said except for that one bit. I guess I was pretty overwhelmed with it all.
Since then, several other confirmations would pop up out of nowhere. Little glimpses of the future my husband and I had in store that involved children. Little hints from God that he's got us. That when it's time, it'll happen. I'd love to list them all out for you but they are many and I think the task itself would take much more time than I have. Just trust me on it.
One Sunday, Colin set up a counseling session with our pastor to talk about our desire to have children (yeah, total aww moment there. I did not expect that out of him!). Our pastor really encouraged us saying that we serve a SUPERNATURAL God, a MIRACULOUS God; that us having children can and will happen. He gave us so many instances of people he knew in our situation that now have children of their own. We read scripture about God's promises and talked about the women in the Bible dealing with infertility and how God blessed them with children, despite their impossible situations. I've read those areas in the Bible time after time after time since then.
At our pastor's advisement, we chose names for a boy and girl so we could call them out specifically in prayer. Their names are hanging up in a corner of our room along with a few baby items. I even write to our babies in a little book. Not every day, but when the longing is at it's highest, it seems to help. You know how people make dream boards of everything they want or wish to accomplish in the future? The thought process is if you see it every day, it'll eventually happen or something to that effect. It's kinda the same thing here...only it's not the names on the wall with pretty background scenes and my little notes that I put my faith in (that is solely reserved for God)...but it does give me hope every time I see them and reminds me that What God has put on my heart, He will make it so.
I laid at the Cross just a few weeks ago my constant questioning and whys and how soons and occasional anger or doubt towards God. I said I was going to trust him wholly and completely. God knew though that there was something I was holding back. This one thing that I still have clasped tightly in my hands. My back up plan. My Plan B. My "If I don't get my way soon..."
I do my Bible study before getting ready in the mornings and then during my morning commute to work, I talk to God. Literally, I talk out loud about anything and everything. I'm sure people that drive past me think I'm crazy but I really don't care. That's our time. A couple weeks ago, during our talk, that still small voice said "let go".
Let go? Let go of what?
You know what. Your back up plan. Let it go.
I quickly changed the subject...started praying for the first person that came to my mind. They needed my prayer MUCH more than I needed to have that conversation. (Funny what we tell ourselves to avoid stuff sometimes. Who are we kidding?)
Again, a few days later, Let it go. Same response.
I suppose I can be quite stubborn. However, God is more stubborn than I am, I think. So last night he brought it up another way - a way that he knew would be so obvious that I couldn't pretend I didn't hear him.
With the pending move back home, my husband and I started talking finances last night. Oh, that's always a fun conversation :p. During our talking and planning and devising, Colin said, "Babe, I know you don't want to do this but I think we need to let the sperm bank thing go. It's just costing us too much money for what it is."
This time I knew. I knew that the previous times in the car God was asking me to let go of the only thing that I have left to control the situation. I had not once mentioned those moments to Colin, but I didn't have to. God already covered that one for me. Here was my bright flashing neon sign that read "Let go...seriously...just let go!"
So many questions. So many worries. I would do anything for my future children. Am I really going to let x amount of dollars get in my way of achieving motherhood? But then...do I really think I have a better plan than God for my life? Am I really going to be blatantly disobedient to him? If I'd really do anything for these babies...that would include letting go. Can I do that?
Colin reassured me it would be okay. "If God wants us to have children, he'll make it happen. If not biologically, we can adopt. I'd rather spend my money supporting a child we adopted than giving this sperm bank another cent for some future treatment that may not work."
He's right. He's so right. I'm totally open to adopting...but that wasn't MY plan. (See, I told you I could be stubborn.)
It should be such an easy thing to let this go. I mean, my post from last week was just talking about being a Yes Woman...and here I stand with my arms across my chest and my pouted mouth and watery eyes defiantly saying, "NO!" Really?
Like many daughters, I picked up the phone and called my mom. She said what I already knew she'd say, "Let it go, give it to God. You are telling him you don't trust him by not surrendering this to him. Ultimately, it's your choice. But you know which one God wants you to choose."
"But it's my only chance!" I cried out.
Ooohhh...those words burned the minute they came out. I KNOW BETTER.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It's time to let go. It's time to let God. I don't want to put a cap on his plans for my life. I don't want to limit our future by simply what I alone can come up with (which isn't much). What God has placed in my heart, he will make it so. What God has placed in my heart, he will make it so. What God has placed in my heart, he will make it so.
How many more times does he need to reassure me that HE'S GOT ME? I guess that's the beauty of His Word...as many times as I need.
I came across Psalm 113:9 last night. It's the first I've read this psalm...I guess it was being saved for that very moment last night. I'll put the whole thing because it truly is beautiful.
1 Praise the Lord.[a]
We're one day closer. Thank you, Father.
Well, I for one like toast and this is certainly not the Rolling Stone so bear with me, reader. Today I've got a plethora of emotions that are bubbling over and I've GOT to do something about it. I've always found clarity when my emotions are on high by doing two things: talking with God and journaling (...and now blogging!)
Today, there is something very heavy on my heart that I feel the Lord is asking me to submit to Him. Oh, how badly I do not want to let it go...but I know... I know that if I don't, I could miss out on the Great Master Plan that he has laid out for me. Remember the surprise party? Yeah, like that.
Before I go straight there, let me back up a little bit.
I come from a big family. As you've probably read in my previous blogs, I am the eldest of seven kids total. I've held and helped care for each of my siblings from the time they were born. Maybe it was that atmosphere I grew up in being surrounded by little ones; maybe it's the twinge at my heart being near something so perfect, so innocent, someone so mystified by the very things in life that we as adults take for granted. Whatever it is, I love babies. I love children. So I guess it's no surprise that I really, really, really would love kids of my own.
When I met and started dating my husband in 2006, he was just over a year into a clean bill of health after fighting a very hard battle against cancer. (Praise Jesus he has remained in remission and is healthier than ever!) During that battle, the chemo he was given severely reduced any chance of having children (we're talking...less than 1%). Luckily, his mother had his swimmers frozen at the hospital before the treatments began and there they have remained.
I knew this going into the relationship and never once did I bat an eye at it. We agreed that when we were at a right place in our lives, we'd do IVF to conceive children and all would be well and good from there.
So, fast forward a few years. In comes baby fever.
About two years ago one Sunday morning at Full Faith, where we attend, my desire to be a mother was very heavy on my heart. Each Sunday before service, we all get together in one big circle and share praise reports or prayer requests. (It's a very intimate part of the morning and I absolutely love it!) That morning, a couple caught my eye. They had moved away less than a year before and were back in town visiting. I noticed that the girl had finally had her baby that she was pregnant with before they moved. They had the newborn sweetly bundled up in her car seat. As my eyes traveled up from the floor, I noticed the girl once more had a very large, very round, very pregnant belly.
"OH COME ON!" I yelled inside to God. "Seriously, all I want is ONE. OOOONNNNEEE. These kids are popping them out like rabbits!"
Folks, you've got to understand...ladies, I'm sure you especially do if you've ever been in that same place as I was then. It wasn't that I wasn't happy for them, of course I was. Pregnancy should be a celebration! But I was sooo. verrrryyy. tiiiirrrred of seeing everyone else with children. Everyone but me. It was like it was being thrown in my face everywhere I turned and now at church?!?!?
So, service carried on. Of course, all the worship songs related to my emotions one way or another so I pretty much balled my eyes out (don't worry, we're all ball-bags there). The heaviness in my heart remained despite the open floodgates.
Towards the end of the service, one of the elders stood up, saying he felt the Holy Spirit pressing him to give a message to a few people. We were sitting in the second row from the front. He was standing right in front of me. After looking at everyone in the congregation, his eyes lowered to me. His finger raised, pointed, and motioned for me to come up. My heart was now in my throat.
Jim, that was his name, put his hands on my shoulders so I was looking at him square in the eyes. "What God has placed in your heart, he will make it so."
You want to talk about eyes the size of saucers...I'm pretty sure mine looked like that in that moment. God obviously heard my temper tantrum and leveled me out with that simple message. Jim went on to say a few other things as well as pray for me. I honestly can't remember anything else he said except for that one bit. I guess I was pretty overwhelmed with it all.
Since then, several other confirmations would pop up out of nowhere. Little glimpses of the future my husband and I had in store that involved children. Little hints from God that he's got us. That when it's time, it'll happen. I'd love to list them all out for you but they are many and I think the task itself would take much more time than I have. Just trust me on it.
One Sunday, Colin set up a counseling session with our pastor to talk about our desire to have children (yeah, total aww moment there. I did not expect that out of him!). Our pastor really encouraged us saying that we serve a SUPERNATURAL God, a MIRACULOUS God; that us having children can and will happen. He gave us so many instances of people he knew in our situation that now have children of their own. We read scripture about God's promises and talked about the women in the Bible dealing with infertility and how God blessed them with children, despite their impossible situations. I've read those areas in the Bible time after time after time since then.
At our pastor's advisement, we chose names for a boy and girl so we could call them out specifically in prayer. Their names are hanging up in a corner of our room along with a few baby items. I even write to our babies in a little book. Not every day, but when the longing is at it's highest, it seems to help. You know how people make dream boards of everything they want or wish to accomplish in the future? The thought process is if you see it every day, it'll eventually happen or something to that effect. It's kinda the same thing here...only it's not the names on the wall with pretty background scenes and my little notes that I put my faith in (that is solely reserved for God)...but it does give me hope every time I see them and reminds me that What God has put on my heart, He will make it so.
I laid at the Cross just a few weeks ago my constant questioning and whys and how soons and occasional anger or doubt towards God. I said I was going to trust him wholly and completely. God knew though that there was something I was holding back. This one thing that I still have clasped tightly in my hands. My back up plan. My Plan B. My "If I don't get my way soon..."
I do my Bible study before getting ready in the mornings and then during my morning commute to work, I talk to God. Literally, I talk out loud about anything and everything. I'm sure people that drive past me think I'm crazy but I really don't care. That's our time. A couple weeks ago, during our talk, that still small voice said "let go".
Let go? Let go of what?
You know what. Your back up plan. Let it go.
I quickly changed the subject...started praying for the first person that came to my mind. They needed my prayer MUCH more than I needed to have that conversation. (Funny what we tell ourselves to avoid stuff sometimes. Who are we kidding?)
Again, a few days later, Let it go. Same response.
I suppose I can be quite stubborn. However, God is more stubborn than I am, I think. So last night he brought it up another way - a way that he knew would be so obvious that I couldn't pretend I didn't hear him.
With the pending move back home, my husband and I started talking finances last night. Oh, that's always a fun conversation :p. During our talking and planning and devising, Colin said, "Babe, I know you don't want to do this but I think we need to let the sperm bank thing go. It's just costing us too much money for what it is."
This time I knew. I knew that the previous times in the car God was asking me to let go of the only thing that I have left to control the situation. I had not once mentioned those moments to Colin, but I didn't have to. God already covered that one for me. Here was my bright flashing neon sign that read "Let go...seriously...just let go!"
So many questions. So many worries. I would do anything for my future children. Am I really going to let x amount of dollars get in my way of achieving motherhood? But then...do I really think I have a better plan than God for my life? Am I really going to be blatantly disobedient to him? If I'd really do anything for these babies...that would include letting go. Can I do that?
Colin reassured me it would be okay. "If God wants us to have children, he'll make it happen. If not biologically, we can adopt. I'd rather spend my money supporting a child we adopted than giving this sperm bank another cent for some future treatment that may not work."
He's right. He's so right. I'm totally open to adopting...but that wasn't MY plan. (See, I told you I could be stubborn.)
It should be such an easy thing to let this go. I mean, my post from last week was just talking about being a Yes Woman...and here I stand with my arms across my chest and my pouted mouth and watery eyes defiantly saying, "NO!" Really?
Like many daughters, I picked up the phone and called my mom. She said what I already knew she'd say, "Let it go, give it to God. You are telling him you don't trust him by not surrendering this to him. Ultimately, it's your choice. But you know which one God wants you to choose."
"But it's my only chance!" I cried out.
Ooohhh...those words burned the minute they came out. I KNOW BETTER.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It's time to let go. It's time to let God. I don't want to put a cap on his plans for my life. I don't want to limit our future by simply what I alone can come up with (which isn't much). What God has placed in my heart, he will make it so. What God has placed in my heart, he will make it so. What God has placed in my heart, he will make it so.
How many more times does he need to reassure me that HE'S GOT ME? I guess that's the beauty of His Word...as many times as I need.
I came across Psalm 113:9 last night. It's the first I've read this psalm...I guess it was being saved for that very moment last night. I'll put the whole thing because it truly is beautiful.
1 Praise the Lord.[a]
Praise the Lord, you his servants;
praise the name of the Lord.
2 Let the name of the Lord be praised,
both now and forevermore.
3 From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets,
the name of the Lord is to be praised.
praise the name of the Lord.
2 Let the name of the Lord be praised,
both now and forevermore.
3 From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets,
the name of the Lord is to be praised.
4 The Lord is exalted over all the nations,
his glory above the heavens.
5 Who is like the Lord our God,
the One who sits enthroned on high,
6 who stoops down to look
on the heavens and the earth?
his glory above the heavens.
5 Who is like the Lord our God,
the One who sits enthroned on high,
6 who stoops down to look
on the heavens and the earth?
7 He raises the poor from the dust
and lifts the needy from the ash heap;
8 he seats them with princes,
with the princes of his people.
9 He settles the childless woman in her home
as a happy mother of children.
and lifts the needy from the ash heap;
8 he seats them with princes,
with the princes of his people.
9 He settles the childless woman in her home
as a happy mother of children.
Praise the Lord.
We're one day closer. Thank you, Father.
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