2013 has been a year full of changes in my life. I left my very successful job over a month ago for one that pays much less but gives me so much more back in fulfillment. I really love it there. Another big change: I left the city and moved back to a much more rural area that is closer to family, church and friends, which I also love. The constant driving back and forth on the weekends to go see everyone and make my rounds is 1. much lighter on the wallet and 2. gives me my down-time back for the weekends which I desperately needed.
Now another change has arrived at my doorstep and as of right now, I'm not even remotely close to publicly discussing it. However, I don't mind to share with you some thoughts God is laying on my heart.
Let's just say for now, I have found myself in a situation that is not...desirable or at least not one that I would hand pick for myself saying "This, I would like to go through this right now..." It came quickly and unexpectedly...but, not surprisingly, if that combination even makes sense. It does in my mind at least.
During the first few minutes of this situation, I went on auto-pilot. Shut off all emotions. Live in this moment right now. DO. NOT. THINK. JUST. DO.
Next, was that feeling of being on the brink of getting swallowed up by a monstrous ocean wave and the panicked breath that you would take to desperately keep from going under...
...and then something beautiful and incredible happened. As I finished my shaky breath, I simply asked God to please, please give me peace about this. Just give me peace.
He did.
I didn't know what would happen next. I just made a very big move on my chessboard of life and had no idea what the next would be. Within moments though, the feelings of anxiousness and worry gave way to simple peace.
There are ten definitions of peace in my handy dandy smart phone dictionary. Of them are the following:
1. cessation of or freedom from any strife of dissension
2. freedom of the mind from annoyance, distraction, anxiety, an obsession, etc
3. silence, stillness
There was certainly strife. My mind was reeling with anxiety...and yet when I asked for this peace, a stillness washed over me. The streaming thoughts in my mind were hushed. Quiet. Sweet, simple quiet. In those moments, I told God that no matter what, I was going to completely trust him. Who am I to doubt his will, his plan? In that stillness, I knew I was in the very palm of my Creator and had nothing to fear.
Be still and know I am God...
Psalm 46:10
I absolutely love that we have an amazing God that knows us so well, that understands any type of pain we go through because he's felt it all himself. He knew in those moments that I would rapidly sink into a watery grave of worry and anxiety that I would struggle to pull myself out of, that would prevent me from feeling his sweet spirit. He extended his hand the moment I cried out and pulled me close to him where all my cares were instantly cast away when met with the warmth of his presence. Oh, how he loves us, friends.
Hours later, I was able to face the situation at hand. I had time (and plenty of it) to reflect on all aspects of it.
I sought after Jesus. Talked to him constantly through the day. When a damaging thought was making its course through my mind, I'd look to Jesus to counter it, defeat it. When a worry arose that would start to panic my heart, I'd surrender it to God. Other times (and still), I just talk to him about whats on my heart in that moment. Peace after peace, Jesus has met me right where I am. Guiding me, consoling me, loving me.
I came across this Psalm the first night. I had been looking for something that spoke to me in the Bible that would be my final thought before attempting sleep, something I could really rest on. I came to this:
Psalm 84
How lovely is your dwelling place, Lord Almighty!
My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD;
my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God.
Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young - a place near your alter, Lord Almighty, my King, my God.
Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you.
Blessed are those whose strength is in you, whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.
As they pass through the Valley of Baka, they make it a place of springs;
the autumn rains also cover it with pools.
They go from strength to strength till each appears before God in Zion.
Hear my prayer, Lord God Almighty; listen to me, God of Jacob.
Look on our shield, O God; look with favor on your anointed one.
Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of God
than dwell in the tents of the wicked.
For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
the Lord bestows favor and honor;
no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless.
Lord Almighty, blessed is the one who trusts in you.
I love that. I love everything about it...because I can relate to it so much. I know that more than ever, I need to seek God right now. I need to rest in his dwelling place and find my strength for this in him.
So, now I want to try something. I know many of you have done it before and I have as well in my prayer journal...I'm going to personalize that Psalm. Really apply it to where I am at right now. So here it goes...
How beautiful is your kingdom, Jesus. My soul desires to stand before your throne. My very being and existence cry out for you and are weak without you, the one true God. Even birds come to you for rest - to build their home and raise their family (and I remember how much more important I am to you than a sparrow - so how much more is my desire to build my entire foundation and all my life on you, how much more welcomed I am than they!) Jesus, you are my King and my God - you are my everything. I am blessed to come before you and live my life for you and will always give thanks and glory to you.
I am blessed and encouraged by the strength and endurance that I find in you for you have prepared my heart for this long journey ahead. I know it may not always be easy as I go through these dry and barren valleys of life, but I will choose to make them a place of hope and praise - a place that you will bless abundantly with your Spirit. You will always refresh me and keep me going. I know I will not grow complacent in this journey and give up - I will pass through it because you give me the strength I need to do so. I know when the end of this walk comes, I will arrive to the perfect destination that you had planned for me all along and I will have grown closer to you because of it all.
Hear the prayer that is in the depths of my heart, my Lord and Savior. Listen to what my hurting spirit is really saying, sweet Jesus. See the faith that I have covered and shielded myself with. Please give me favor in this trial that you have laid before me.
A single day with you is better than a thousand without you. I would rather go through this issue and grow closer to you through it...than to never experience pain and be completely without you. You, Lord, are my light and my covering. I know you will give me favor in this situation and that as long as I continue to seek you, the blessing you have at the end of this journey will be given as the gift that I already know it is.
Jesus, my rock and my shield, the weight of this trial is lifted from my heart because I know that I can trust you wholly and completely. Amen.
I wish I could tell you that this thing I'm going through has finally revealed a resolution but as of this moment, I'm still as completely unaware of what is to come as I was when this first started. I can tell you, however, that I know I am not alone. God's timing is perfect and I am surrounded by loved ones who are great encouragers to me. I'd be lying if I told you that I am not in the least scared and maybe a bit antsy to find out what is around the bend but I know - I KNOW - that no matter what, I'm going to trust God's plan and release my own will to him. Until then, I will wait with a praise in my heart that all things work for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28)
